Start as I used to go on

As you know from the abject editorial apology last time, it isn’t always your Laird’s fault!  However, the Mansion is a vehicle which has never run to a strict timetable so no harm done – except that my prophesy of an Obama v McCain Presidential Election in November hit the net after Clinton’s last-ditch withdrawal.

‘Tis scarcely a week/month/year/decade/century (delete as appropriate) since your Laird sat astride the ancient, ailing abacus, but in this fast-moving world, who can be topical nowadays?  I could write about the farce of holding a single-candidate second election in Zimbabwe, but tomorrow the benevolent hand of God may have forcibly removed Mugabe.  Once he was a hero – I myself had huge respect for the guy in his prime – but now he’s a sad old dictator who has so failed to deliver the land he promised to the ones who chose him.

I was very saddened to see the result of the Irish referendum on the Lisbon Treaty, although not in the least surprised.  The ‘Yes’ campaign was funded by the Irish government to the tune of about a million euros, while the ‘No’ campaign was funded by the White House by tenfold more.  For the same reasons that Britain was ordered to remain outside the Euro zone (and how much has that cost us ex-pats who are dependent on their income in Sterling?) the US is determined to undermine the European Community at every opportunity.

Well, there’s a very different start to the Mansion (this week/month/year etc. see above) – normally the politics emerge towards the end – but, hey, who wants to be predictable!  So what’s happening around town?  Basically, nobody’s here, or if they are they’re keeping very quiet about it.  The island seems much less busy than previous summers, despite the assurances that we have more tourist bums on plane seats than ever before.

No, I’m not going to launch into another diatribe against ‘All-Inclusives’, Your Laird knows well that you’ve all worked out that one for ourselves, gentle readers.  We’re all aware that, even if our personal income doesn’t depend on it, that tourism is the major factor in this island’s economy – however, if you’re a new reader and thinking about a holiday on this desert rock off the west coast of Africa, self-catering allows you a change of venue every night – while I hear that the All-Inclusives are struggling with an allowance of less than 12€ per client per day for your “Full Board”.

Before I get off my political soapbox altogether – what the hell are the Cabildo playing at?  We live in a part of this unhappy planet where we have every single renewable energy source on our doorstep.  We have wind (boy, do we?), we have sun (ditto) and we have wave and tidal resources.  Unlike mainland Spain – where wind and solar farms are the norm on non-fertile land – most renewable energy in Fuerteventura is forbidden for reasons of visual pollution!

Sorry, guys, your decision to build an oil-fired power station in Gran Tarajal is, quite frankly, beyond belief.  Wind and solar farms are banned here because they’re an eyesore, but you’re going to build the most atmosphere-damaging form of energy production at a time when the raw material you need to service it is running out and its price has nearly trebled in less than twelve months.

I have to say, its about time your Laird put his money where his mouth is.  There are 2000 of us ‘Giris’ (foreigners) resident in La Oliva alone – yet only 400 of us bother to turn out to vote in the municipal elections.  Next time around, perhaps your Laird will plaster his (incredibly handsome) face along the roadside, stand for election and with your help – we could make changes to this potential paradise we call home.

Panic stations from the solicitors, lawyers and abagados now.  Is your Laird guilty of libel, slander or anything else that could upset anybody?  (I hope I upset some people some of the time). Notwithstanding, I herewith absolve Fuertenews from any responsibility and respond with the time-honoured, tried and tested and Hollywood-favoured format, when you’ve nothing to hide and say “Sue and be damned!”

OK, so that’s upset some of my ‘regular’ readers who tell me they skip my political bits.  Political bits are part of what your Laird does best – you can’t just skip them and move on to the more salacious stuff.  If I’m not careful I’ll soon end up with the reputation of a gossip columnist. . .

Pia, the lovely Swedish ex-Au Pair to the Mansion, has sadly parted company with the dashing Eduardo, who is currently to be observed escorting his new Czech girlfriend who can sit on her long blonde hair.  Pia meanwhile is channelling her grief into the muscular arms of Martin – her ½ Irish, ½ Scottish, but Swedish-educated bit of rough.  Both Pia and Martin have spent many hours recently plying your Laird with drink – on the Mansion’s own tiffin terrace – but more of that in a future Mansion.

And what of the Demon Daughters? – I hear you cry.  They have spent a happy fortnight with their dad in Holland.  Yes, that’s why Imagine was shut for two weeks – Mr Punch was holidaying in Holland!  How did the lovely Farida celebrate this first-time freedom with your Laird?  She kept ourselves busy by simultaneously redecorating the bathroom and re-aligning the garden (or something – I just know it was back-breaking) in order not to worry about the little mites.  Personally, your Laird was praying fervently that the Low Countries would survive the tsunami that typifies the arrival of the DD’s.

Slight digression – while they were away, Holland became the first mainland European country to follow the lead set by Ireland, Scotland and latterly (very latterly) by England to ban tobacco smoking in public, especially bars and restaurants. Unsurprisingly, the ban does not extend to the ‘brown cafes’ – the coffee shops where you can indulge in substances not generally viewed as legal in most of the rest of Europe.  However, now you are no longer allowed to mix your chosen smoke with tobacco – imagine the scene . . .

(SCENE Cannabis Café Amsterdam, twilight, a few clientele are gathered, giggling somewhat, over nothing much in particular, when suddenly)

POLICE MEGAPHONE (distorted) “This is a raid! We’ve got the place surrounded!  Resistance is useless!”

OMNES “It’s OK officer. Honestly, its only a joint.

MR PLOD (for it was he) We’ll see about that, young fellah-me-lad, if, as we have reason to believe, you’ve got some highly illegal tobacco mixed in with that innocent-looking spliff, you’re nicked, my son!”

Seriously, the girls had a lovely time – all the usual stuff “Wow, look, cows!” “Wow, look, sheeps!” and “Wow, look, what’s all that funny green stuff all over the fields?”  Closer questioning revealed that the funny green stuff was very ordinary grass – and your Laird subsequently lost all interest in the subject.

But now they’re back in the Mansion – and only 2 ½ months holiday left to go.  Doesn’t time fly?  It’ll seem like no time at all until they’re safely back in school and the good times will be over for another year.  No, Fari, I’m not being sarcastic.  Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit and I would hate for my humour to go over your head.

So to Corralejo – what’s been happening in the village on the rock?  A new bar and restaurant, The English Rose, has been recently opened in Hoplaco Gardens – next door to the Whereabouts Booking Office - and the Mansion wishes it every success.  Another one in town, Miami Ice is opening – as we speak – and, as you know, your Laird will report, as he always does, once he’s had the opportunity to sample these new additions to our culinary and alcoholic delights. (For the pedants amongst you, I managed to squeeze the word ‘as’ into that last sentence 3 times – and my English master is reeling in his grave!)

Summer’s here at last and as (another ‘as’!) always it brings the increased opportunity to meet many of my readers face to face and receive their kind approbation for my efforts. “Give it up” they cry, or “Why don’t you get a job, you wastrel” they merrily trill – as they shake me warmly by the throat.  Don’t be embarrassed to say hello – even if I’ve never met you.  As one of my kids used to say so sweetly – ‘Strangers are just friends-in-waiting’ – a concept to which I’ve always tried to adhere.

Apologies for the blooper in last month’s Mansion, when I referred to 1200 Pennsylvania Avenue as the address of the White House instead of 1600.  It really was a typescript error – but thanks to all who corrected me, including my good Irish friend Gerry.  First prize in the ‘Spot the usual mistake(s) competition’ has to go to Lawrence – who took the trouble to find out that 1200 is the address of the department of social security – and I’m a better person for knowing that!

There was so much more I was going to talk about this time.  Zimbabwe, Tibet, Columbia, Iran and Libya to name but a few – and I’ve got through a Mansion without mansioning Iraq, Afghanistan or Bush (apart from now).  France has the Presidency of Europe until the end of the year and Sarkozy has given a good, positive speech on accepting the baton.  If Europe achieves half the goals he’s outlined in the next six months it’ll be a much better place for everybody.  Pity it won’t happen and what a great pity that he’s such a right-wing, whinging wanker when it comes to running his own country.

Whoops!  Politics again – whatever is the Mansion coming to?  Suggestions please to dutchbruce@gmail.com or phone me on 649 214 773