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Valentine's
Day Jokes
A young woman was
taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her
husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for
Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight." he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave
it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it--only to find a book
entitled "The meaning of dreams".
A very shy guy goes
into a pub on Valentine's Day night and sees a beautiful young
woman sitting alone at the bar. After an hour of gathering up
his courage he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively,
"Um, would you mind if I brought you a drink?" She responds by
yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you
tonight!"
Everyone in the pub started staring at them. Naturally, the guy
was terribly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to
his table totally red faced.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and
apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm really sorry if I
embarrassed you just then. You see, I'm a graduate student in
psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing
situations."
At this the guy responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you
mean? $300?"
A man went to the mall this last week to buy Valentines’ cards
for
his daughter and mother. The 50 feet of displays for hundreds
of
cards astounded him. He muttered out loud, “I wonder if they
have
anything for ex-wives.”
The clerk behind the counter said, “Oh, yes sir, they do have
an
‘ex’ category, but they’re in Sporting Goods.”
“Really?”
“Yes sir. They’re called darts.”
As Valentine's
Day approached, I tried to think of an unusual gift for my
husband. When I discovered that his favorite red-plaid pants
had a broken zipper, I thought I had the "perfect Valentine." I
had the pants repaired, and gift-wrapped them. On the package I
put a huge red heart on which I printed: "My Heart Pants for
You." I was the surprised one, however, when I saw the same
heart taped to our formerly empty, but now overflowing, wood
box. On it he had written: "Wood You Be My Valentine?"
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged,
balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love"
stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He
then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all
over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the
balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm
sending out one thousand Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies
What do farmers give
their wives on Valentine's Day?
Hog and kisses!
What would you get it you crossed Odie with the God of love?
A stupid cupid!
Why did the pig give his girlfriend a box of candy?
It was Valenswine's Day!
Do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day?
Sure, they're very scent-imental!
What did the chocolate syrup say to the ice cream?
"I'm sweet on you!"
What did the paper clip say to the magnet?
"I find you very attractive."
What did the French chef give his wife for Valentine's Day?
A hug and a quiche!
What did one pickle say to the other?
"You mean a great dill to me."
What did the elephant say to his girlfriend?
"I love you a ton!"
What did the bat say to his girlfriend?
"You're fun to hang around with."
Did you hear about the nearsighted porcupine?
He fell in love with a pincushion!
What did the pencil say to the paper?
"I dot my i's on you!"
Why did the cannibal break up with his girlfriend?
She didn't suit his taste!
Why didn't Cupid
shoot his arrow at the lawyer's heart?
Because even Cupid can't hit a target that small!
Why should you send your sweetie a valentine?
Because you always heart the one you love!
Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Howard.
Howard who?
Howard you like a great big kiss?
What did one light bulb say to the other?
"I love you a whole watt!"
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