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Growing Old Disgracefully!
A senior citizen went
to his doctor for his annual physical. He was taken to an
examination room and told to wait. His wife tagged along. The
doctor entered the examination room and said, "I will need a
urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."
The elderly man, being hard of hearing, turned to his wife and
asked, "What did he say?"
His wife yelled back to him, "GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERWEAR!”
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What do retired people do all day?
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their
days interesting. Well for example, the other day I went into
town and went into a shop. I was only in there for about
5 minutes, when I came out there was a cop writing out a
parking ticket.
I went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior
citizen a f***** break?" He ignored me and continued writing
the ticket. I called him a Nazi t*rd. He glared at me and
started writing another ticket for
having worn tyres.
So I called him a s---head. He finished the second ticket and put it on
the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third
ticket. This
went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he
wrote.
Personally, I didn't care. I came into town by bus. I try to have a
little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important at my
age...
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An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one
Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.
He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his
girlfriend.
The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000
ring.
The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."
At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and
brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only
$40,000" the jeweller said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with
excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man
stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check is
good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to
verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,"
he said.
Monday morning, the
jeweller phoned the old man. "There's no money in that
account."
"I know," said the old man, "But let me tell you about my
weekend!"
Don't mess with old people!
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Too old to squat! Once upon a time, there was a little old man
that really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged
6 miles everyday. One morning he looked in the mirror and was
admiring his body when he noticed he was suntanned all over
except for his penis. He decided to do something about it. He
promptly went to the beach, completely undressed, and buried
himself in the sand, except for his penis. A little later two
elderly ladies, one walking with a cane, happened by. When she
saw this thing sticking out of the sand, she began to move it
around with her cane. She said to her friend, "There ain't no
justice in this world." Her friend asked her what she meant.
Well, she said: "When I was 20, I was curious about it. When I
was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was
50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was
70, I forgot about it. And now that I'm 80, the damn things are
growing wild and I'm too old to squat!!!"
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Senior Problem - Three old men were talking about how much
their hands shook. The first old guy said, "My hands shake so
bad, that when I shaved his morning, I cut my face." The second
old fogey one-upped him and said, "My hands shake so bad, that
when I trimmed my garden yesterday, I sliced all my flowers."
The third old man laughed and said, "That's nothing. My hands
shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three
times!"
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The Sex Therapist - A couple, both 67, went to a sex
therapist’s office. The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?”
The man said, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?” The
doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. The doctor examined them and
then directed them to disrobe and go at it. When the couple
finished, the doctor reexamined them and, upon completion,
advised the couple, “There’s nothing wrong with the way you
have intercourse.” He then charged them $32. This happened
several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment,
have intercourse with no apparent problems other than the lack
of vigor which is to be expected in 67 year-olds, get dressed,
pay the doctor, and then leave. Finally after almost two months
of this routine, the doctor asked, “Just exactly what are you
trying to find out?” The old man said, “Oh, we’re not trying to
find out anything. She’s married and we can’t go to her house.
I’m married, so we can’t go to my house. The Holiday Inn
charges $60. The Hilton charges $78. We do it here for $32 and
I get $28 back from Medicaid.
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No Refills - A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's
office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication
you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?" "Yes,
I'm afraid so," the doctor told her. There was a moment of
silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then,
just how serious is my condition because this prescription is
marked 'NO REFILLS'."
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The Living Will - Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the
living room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a
vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a
bottle. If that ever happens to me, just pull the plug." She
got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer. She's Such
A Bitch.....
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You're Putting Me On - An elderly gentleman went to a ranch and
asked for the rates. "Well," began the ranch director, "For
people your age we charge an extra $50 a day." "50 dollars a
day!" yelped the old timer, "You must be putting me on!" "No,"
said the director, "that would be an additional 20 dollars."
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Texas Three Kick Rule - A big-city California lawyer went duck
hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell
into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.... As the
lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on
his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator
responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now
I'm going to retrieve it." The old farmer replied, "This is my
property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant
lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S.
and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take
everything you own." The old farmer smiled and said,
"Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We
settle small disagreements like this with the Texas
Three-Kick-Rule." The lawyer asked, What is the Texas
Three-Kick-Rule?." The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you
three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back
and forth, until someone gives up." The attorney quickly
thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could
easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local
custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and
walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of
his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to
his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his
face. The barrister was flat on this belly when the farmer's
third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up. The lawyer
summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet
and said, "OK, you old coot! now, it's my turn." The old farmer
smiled and said, "No I give up, you can have the duck.
Thanks to a mixture of readers for these!
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