Jokes
Two
little
old
ladies
were
sitting
on
a
park
bench
outside
the
local
town
hall
where
a
Flower
Show
was
in
progress.?
One
leaned
over
and
said
to
the
other,
'Life
is
so
darned
boring;
we
never
have
any
fun
anymore. For
£5.00
I'd
take
my
clothes
off
and
streak
through
that
stupid
Flower
Show!'
'You're
on!'
said
the
other
old
lady
holding
up
a
£5.00
note.
The
first
little
old
lady
slowly
fumbled
her
way
out
of
her
clothes
and,
completely
nude,
streaked
(as
fast
as
an
old
lady
can)
through
the
front
door
of
the
Flower
Show.
Waiting
outside,
her
friend
soon
heard
a
huge
commotion
inside
the
hall,
followed
by
loud
applause
and
shrill
whistling.
The
naked
and
smiling
old
lady
came
through
the
exit
door
surrounded
by
a
cheering
crowd.
'What
happened?'
asked
her
waiting
friend.
'I
won
1st
Prize
as
Best
Dried
Arrangement
A
man
is
waiting
for
his
wife
to
give
birth.
The
doctor
comes
in
and
informs
the
dad
that
his
son
was
born
without
torso,
arms
or
legs.
The
son
is
just
a
head!
But
the
dad
loves
his
son
and
raises
him
as
well
as
he
can,
with
love
and
compassion.
After
21
years,
the
son
is
now
old
enough
for
his
first
drink.
Dad
takes
him
to
the
bar,
tearfully
tells
the
son
he
is
proud
of
him
and
orders
up
the
biggest,
strongest
drink
for
his
boy.
With
all
the
bar
patrons
looking
on
curiously
and
the
bartender
shaking
his
head
in
disbelief,
the
boy
takes
his
first
sip
of
alcohol.
Swoooosh!
Plop!!
A
torso
pops
out!
The
bar
is
dead
silent;
then
bursts
into
whoops
of
joy.
The
father,
shocked,
begs
his
son
to
drink
again.
The
patrons
chant
'Take
another
drink!'
The
bartender
continues
to
shake
his
head
in
dismay.
Swoooosh!
Plip!
Plop!!
Two
arms
pop
out.
The
bar
goes
wild.
The
father,
crying
and
wailing,
begs
his
son
to
drink
again.
The
patrons
chant,
'Take
another
drink!
Take
another
drink!!'
The
bartender
ignores
the
whole
affair
and
goes
back
to
polishing
glasses,
shaking
his
head,
clearly
unimpressed
by
the
amazing
scenes.
By
now
the
boy
is
getting
tipsy,
but
with
his
new
hands
he
reaches
down,
grabs
his
drink
and
guzzles
the
last
of
it.
Plop!
Plip!!
Two
legs
pop
out.
The
bar
is
in
chaos.
The
father
falls
to
his
knees
and
tearfully
thanks
God.
The
boy
stands
up
on
his
new
legs
and
stumbles
to
the
left
then
staggers
to
the
right
through
the
front
door,
into
the
street,
where
a
truck
runs
over
him
and
kills
him
instantly
The
bar
falls
silent.
The
father
moans
in
grief.
The
bartender
sighs
and
says,
*
*
(Wait
for
it)
*
*
*
(It's
coming)
*
*
(Take
a
deep
breath)
*
*
*
'He
should've
quit
while
he
was
a
head
!
After
his
exam,
the
doctor
said
to
the
elderly
man:
'You
appear
to
be
in
good
health.
Do
you
have
any
medical
concerns
you
would
like
to
ask
me
about?'
'In
fact,
I
do.'
said
the
old
man.
'After
I
have
sex,
I
am
usually
cold
and
chilly;
and
then,
after
I
have
sex
with
her
the
second
time,
I
am
usually
hot
and
sweaty.'
After
examining
his
elderly
wife,
the
doctor
said:
'Everything
appears
to
be
fine.
Do
you
have
any
medical
concerns
that
you
would
like
to
discuss
with
me?'
The
lady
replied
that
she
had
no
questions
or
concerns.
The
doctor
then
said
to
her:
'Your
husband
had
an
unusual
concern.
He
claims
that
he
is
usually
cold
and
chilly
after
having
sex
with
you
the
first
time;
and
then
hot
and
sweaty
after
the
second
time.
Do
you
know
why?
'Oh,
that
crazy
old
fart!'
she
replied.
'That's
because
the
first
time
is
usually
in
January,
and
the
second
time
is
in
August.'
A
blonde
goes
to
the
post
office
to
buy
stamps
for
her
Christmas
cards.
She
says
to
the
clerk,
"May
I
have
50
Christmas
stamps?"
The
clerk
says,
"What
denomination?"
The
blonde
says,
"God
help
us.
Has
it
come
to
this?
Well,
then,
give
me
6
Catholic,
12
Presbyterian,
10
Lutheran
and
22
Baptists."
Definition
of
a
teenager?
God's
punishment
for
enjoying
sex.
Q:
How
can
you
delay
milk
turning
sour?
(Brilliant,
love
this!)
A:
Keep
it
in
the
cow.
Man
goes
to
a
fancy
dress
party,
wearing
only
a
glass
jar
over
his
tackle.
Lady
asks
"what
are
you?"
He
says
"I'm
a
fireman"
"But
you're
only
wearing
a
glass
jar""
says
the
woman.
"Exactly"
he
replies.
"In
an
emergency,
break
glass,
pull
knob
and
I'll
come
as
fast
as
I
can"
If
Eastenders
is
so
true
to
life,
how
come
none
of
the
loveable
Cockney
characters
are
Man
Utd
supporters?
If
smoking
is
bad
for
you,
how
come
it
cures
Salmon?
Thanks to Tony and Lesley for these! |