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Fun Stuff

 
Jokes

Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a Flower Show was

 in progress.?  One leaned over and said to the other, 'Life is so darned boring; we never have any fun
anymore. For £5.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid Flower Show!'  'You're on!' said
the other old lady holding up a £5.00 note.
 
The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely nude, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the Flower Show. Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.  The naked and smiling old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.  'What happened?' asked her waiting friend.
 
'I won 1st Prize as Best Dried Arrangement

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.



After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.




Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant 'Take another drink!'




The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop out.




The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, 'Take another drink! Take another drink!!' The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.




By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.




The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly The bar falls silent.




The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says,




*




*






(Wait for it)




*



*




*




(It's coming)

*



*



(Take a deep breath)




*




*




*






'He should've quit while he was a head !

After his exam, the doctor said to the elderly man: 'You appear to be in
good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me
about?' 'In fact, I do.' said the old man. 'After I have sex, I am usually cold and chilly; and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty.' After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: 'Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?'
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then said to her: 'Your husband had an unusual concern.
He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the
first time; and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?
'Oh, that crazy old fart!' she replied. 'That's because the first time is
usually in January, and the second time is in August.'



A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"
The clerk says, "What denomination?"
The blonde says, "God help us. Has it come to this?
Well, then, give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists."



Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.



Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (Brilliant, love this!)

A: Keep it in the cow.



Man goes to a fancy dress party, wearing only a glass jar over his tackle.
Lady asks "what are you?" He says "I'm a fireman"
"But you're only wearing a glass jar"" says the woman.
"Exactly" he replies. "In an emergency, break glass, pull knob and I'll come as fast as I can"



If Eastenders is so true to life, how come none of the loveable Cockney characters are Man Utd supporters?



If smoking is bad for you, how come it cures Salmon?

 

 

 

Thanks to Tony and Lesley for these!