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Irish Jokes In honour of St Patrick's day next week here are some that do not quite fall into the normal perception of Irish Jokes ------------------------
Once upon a
time in the kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for seven days. God replied, "it's another planet but I'm after putting LIFE on it. I've named it Earth and there's going to be a balance between everything on it. For example, there's North America and South America. North America is going to be rich and south America is going to be poor, and the narrow bit joining them - that's going to be a hot spot. Now look over here. I've put a continent of whites in the north and another one of blacks in the south. And then the archangel said, "and what's that green dot there?". And God said "ahhh that's the Emerald Isle - that's a very special place. That's going to be the most glorious spot on earth; Beautiful Mountains, lakes, rivers, streams, and an exquisite coast line. These people here are going to be great craic and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be playwrights and poets and singers and songwriters. And I'm going to give them this black liquid which they're going to go mad on and for which people will come from the far corners of the earth to imbibe. Michael the Archangel gasped in wonder and admiration but then seeming startled proclaimed: "Hold on a second, what about the BALANCE, you said there was going to be a balance.. God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the neighbours I'm going to give them" -------------------------------- There were two
nuns. One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), "Why do you Irish always answer a question with a question?" asked President Franklin D. Roosevelt. "Do we now?" came New York Mayor Al Smith's reply. -------------------------------- An Irish priest
and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train.
After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying "I
know that, in your religion, you're not supposed to eat
pork...Have you actually ever tasted it? -------------------------------- Two English counterfeiters had produced thousands of genuine-looking notes - £50, £20, £10 - and really they should have been happy with their lot. Much wants more, so they scrambled through the discarded notes that had not passed close scrutiny. Among the jumble they came upon a perfectly fine note - watermarked, Queen's head in exactly the right place. The only trouble was that the amount shown was £18. Never mind,' said Brown, the bossman. "We'll unload it when we're over in Ireland." And so they took the note with them and, whilst in Kerry, they entered a corner shop to dispense with it "Excuse me," said Brown to shopkeeper Casey. "Have you got change for an £18 note?" "Indeed, sir," said Casey. "And would you like three sixes or two nines?" --------------------------------------- For many years Kate Murphy had run the fruit and vegetable stall in the town market and she'd learned to have an answer for any situation. So there she stood, watching the big Texan who was poking around the stall. 'Hey, what are these?' he asked. 'Apples,' said Kate. 'Apples?' laughed the Yank. 'Why, in Texas we have apples twice that size! And what are these?' "Those are potatoes,' said Kate. 'Potatoes? Where I come from, bragged the Texan, our potatoes are twice as big at least,' Just then he picked up a cabbage, but before he could speak Kate said: 'If you're not buying Brussels sprouts, you'd best be putting that down.' ------------------------------ Idly, the
American tourist watched the Cork man dig and turn over the
soil. Eventually he called out: "Hey, buddy, what's that you're
doing?" ---------------------------- An Irish man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a Guinness before it starts." The wife sighs and gets him a Guinness. Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another before it starts." She looks cross, but fetches another Guinness and slams it down next to him. He finishes that one and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another, it's going to start any minute." The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a diabolical, desperate, mangled midden, and furthermore ..."The man sighs and says, "It's started ..." ------------------------------------- An old man in Dublin calls his son in New York right before Christmas and says, "Son, I 'm sorry, but I have to tell you that after 45 years of misery, your mother and I are busting up. " "Da, what are you talking about?" the son yells in disbelief. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "No way they're leaving each other!" she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Dublin immediately and screams at her father, "You are not splitting up. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Well then," he says, "they're coming home for Christmas and paying their own way!" -------------------------------------------------- Father O'Malley arose one fine spring morning, walked to the window of his bedroom to take in the beauty of the day and noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the gardai. The conversation went like this: Dia Dhuit, this is Sgt. O' Flaherty and how might we be of help to you?" Good day to yourself, Sergeant. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead on our front lawn. Would you be a good man now and send a couple of the lads to to take care of the matter?" Sgt. Flaherty considered himself to be quite a wit and the rest of the conversation proceeded: "Well now, Father, it was always my impression that you took care of the last rites!" There was dead silence on the line for a moment and then Father O'Malley replied: "Indeed, indeed, Sergeant O'Flaherty, but we're also obliged to notify the next of kin!" ------------------------------------ Brendan was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up the drink." Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Brendan looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one.” ------------------------------------- Paddy and Mick had emigrated from Ireland and worked together in an Ontario clothing factory. Both were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, 'panty stitcher'. I sews the lastic onta ladies' cotton knickers. The clerk looked up 'panty stitcher' on his computer and finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave Paddy $80 dollars a week unemployment pay. Mick was next in and when asked his occupation, he replied, 'diesel fitter'. Since 'diesel fitter' was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick $160 dollars a week. When Paddy found out, he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay. The clerk explained, 'panty stitchers' are unskilled and 'diesel fitters' are skilled labour. "What skill?" yelled Paddy?! "I sews da lastic onta da knickers. Mick puts dem over his head and says: 'Right ye are so, dese 'ull fit her.'" ------------------------------------- The warden
catches Seamus leaving the vicinity of the reservoir with a
bucket of fish. "Aha! I've caught you poachin' fish
red-handed," says the warden. "What do you mean, red-handed?"
says Seamus. "You've got a bucket full of 'em right there. You
can't talk your way out of it this time." "Oh, you don't
understand," says Seamus, "I've not poached a thing. These are
me pet fish. I bring 'em to the reservoir once a week for
exercise. After they've had a good swim, they come back to the
bucket and we go back home." "Do ya expect me to believe such
an outlandish tale?" ------------------------------------ Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Ireland when she saw an elderly woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the woman if she would like a ride. After a bit of small talk and while resuming the journey the woman noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally. What's in the bag?" asked the woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine, I got it for my husband." The woman was silent for a moment. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder she said: "Good trade." ---------------------- Sean got home in the early hours of the morning after a night at the local pub. He made such a racket as he weaved his way through the house that he woke up the wife. "By all the saints, what are you doing down there?" she shouted from the bedroom. "Get yourself up here and don't be waking the neighbours." "I'm trying to get a barrel of Guinness up the stairs," he shouted back. "Leave it 'till the morning," she shouted down. "I can't" says he, "I've drank it!" ------------------------------- A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a lad dressed in sunglasses, loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses the lad: "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The fellah replies, "I'm Johnny O'Rourke, taxi-driver, Brooklyn, New York." Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Phillip Smith, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years." Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." "Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?" "Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed." --------------------------- An attractive young lady was on a plane arriving from Ireland. She found herself seated next to an elderly priest whom she asked: "Excuse me Father, could I ask a favour?" "Of course my child, What can I do for you?" "Here is the problem. I bought myself a new sophisticated vibrating hair remover for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under your cassock?" "Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I cannot lie." "You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not ask you any questions", and she gave him the worrisome personal gadget. The aircraft arrived at its destination. When the priest presented himself to customs he was asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son", he replied. Finding his reply strange, the customs officer asked, "And from the sash down, what do you have?" The priest replied, "I have there a marvellous little instrument destined for use by women, but which has never been used." Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said, "Go ahead Father. Next!" --------------------- A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." Sermon complete, he then sat down. The choir director stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, for our closing selection, let us sing Hymn #365, "Shall We Gather at the River." -------------------------------- It was England v. Ireland at Wembley. It was at that very match when the two Clancy brothers approached the turnstile. "How much is it?" asked Michael "Twenty pounds." said the ticket-seller. "Well, I've only got one eye and so I'm only paying ten!" And, wonder of wonders, the man let him in. "And I'm only paying ten pounds." said Owen. "Hang on," said the ticket seller, 'you've got two eyes!" "Yes," said Owen, "but I've only come to see Ireland." --------------------------- The wise old Mother Superior from county Tipperary was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "Please give us some wisdom before you leave us. "She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said, "Don't sell that cow." ----------------------------- A senior citizen in Galway bought a convertible. He took off down the Bishop Connell Road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a two-bulb behind him. "I can get away from him" thought the old man and he tromped it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110, 120 mph. Then he thought, "What am doing? I'm too old to be making such a holy show of meself." He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the garda to catch up with him. The garda pulled in behind the ole fella and walked up to him. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The man looked at the garda and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a Peeler and I thought you were bringing her back." "Have a good day, Sir," said the officer. ------------------------------- Paddy wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees are a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the bedside table. He sits up in bed and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and ironed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless. He takes the aspirins and sees a note on the table which says "Breakfast is on the stove, dear. I left early to go shopping. Love you!" He goes to the kitchen and sure enough, there's a hot breakfast waiting for him, and also the morning newspaper. His son is sitting at the table, eating. Really curious by now, Paddy asks, "Son, what happened last night?" His son says, "Well, Mam said you came home after 3 a.m, you stumbled in the door, threw up in the hallway, and passed out half-way up the stairs. Confused, Paddy asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh, that! Mam dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your trousers off, you yelled "Leave me alone woman, I'm a married man" --------------------------- Miss O'Leary, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The parish priest came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring, and she welcomed him into her little cottage. She invited him to have a seat while she made the tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the priest noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, an item the menfolk use to help prevent conception. Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity! Surely Miss O'Leary had lost her senses! When she returned with the tea and scones, they began to chat. The priest tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its unusual contents, but soon it got the better of him; he could resist no longer. Miss O'Leary," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" (pointing to the bowl). "Oh, yes, Father," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking in the village last October and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know... I haven't had a cold all winter. -------------------------------------------- Sean goes into the pub and asks for three Guinness. He sits there and sips from the first one, then the second, and the third. He does this until finally all three pints are finished. He pays the bill and leaves. A couple of nights later he comes back and repeats the ritual. This goes on for a while and finally the bartender's curiosity gets the better of him and he asks why the three Guinness and why drink them all together the way he does. "Well, " says Sean, "My brother Michael is in the USA and my other brother Liam is in Australia. We can't meet in the pub and share a Guinness, so we have an agreement that whenever we go have a drink, we order three pints and pretend we're together." The bartender thinks to himself, "What a wonderful idea." A few months go by and one night Sean comes in and he orders two Guinness. The bartender is afraid to ask, but Sean seems fine, so finally the bartender says, "I see you've only ordered two Guinness tonight. Did something happen to one of your brothers?"No, no," says Sean, "They're both fit as a fiddle and healthy as horses!" "So why only the two Guinness?" asks the bartender. "Ah, well now," says Sean, "I've given up Guinness for Lent." ----------------------------------------- A surgeon and an architect, both English, were joined by an Irish politician, and all fell to arguing as to whose profession was the oldest. Said the surgeon, "Eve was made from Adam's rib, and that surely was a surgical operation." "Maybe," said the architect, "but prior to that, order was created out of chaos, and that was an architectural job." "Sure now," interrupted the politician, "but wasn't somebody after creating the chaos first?" ------------------------------------ A pompous
priest was seated next to an Irishman on a flight home. ---------------------------- A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in the long line of judgment. As he stood there he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the pearly gates into Heaven. Others though, were led over to Satan who threw them into the burning pit. But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss a soul off to one side into a small pile. After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's curiosity got the best of him. So he strolled over and asked Satan what he was doing. "Excuse me, Prince of Darkness," he said. "I'm waiting in line for judgment, but I couldn't help wondering, why are you tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the Fires of Hell with the others?" "Ah, those ...Satan said with a groan. "They're all from Ireland. They're still too cold and damp to burn." ------------------------------------ Mrs. O'Reilly returned home from a vacation to France where she had taken a cooking class. She tells her husband Paddy she is going to prepare him a special meal and he is to go down to Sean's Market and buy two dozen escargot, which she explains to Paddy are snails. Mrs. O'Reilly admonishes Paddy to come right home, no stops at the pub, because she wants to have escargot for dinner. Paddy buys the snails and is on his way home but alas, his route takes him right by his favorite pub. Just one he tells himself. Well, perhaps another he says after having the first pint. The company is good, the tales are tall, and Paddy finds himself having three or four. As Paddy heads home he realizes it has become dark and knows his lovely wife will be waiting and sharpening her tongue for him. As Paddy opens the gate to home the porch light comes on and he hears the door begin to open. Paddy empties the bag of escargot on the ground and says in a loud voice "Come on now lads! You're almost there." ----------------------------------- The man from the window company called Miss O'Leary on the telephone. "Miss O'Leary, he says, you haven't made a single payment on your new windows. Is there something the matter?" Bristling with annoyance, Miss O'Leary replies. "I may be up in years, but I still have my wits about me. Wasn't your man after telling me those windows would pay for themselves in a year?" ---------------------------------- A young lad had
just gotten his provisional license. (learner's permit) He
asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his
use of the car. His father said to him, "If you bring your
marks up, study your bible, and get your hair cut, we'll talk
about it." A month later the boy came back and again asked his
father if they could now discuss his use of the car. His father
said, "Well, son, I see that your marks have improved, you've
studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get a hair cut!"
The young man waited a moment and then replied, "You know dad,
I've been thinking about that. Didn't Samson have long hair,
Moses have long hair, Noah have long hair, and even Jesus
himself have long hair?" His father replied, "They did so, and
they walked everywhere they went!" Pat and Mike are drinking in the done-up version of their local pub, The Continental Bistro and Bar in the Ballybegorrah Arms Hotel, Killarney. They take in the no-sawdust on the new Italian tile floor; the hi-back red leather bar stools; the bowls of free black olives, cashew nuts and tasty "tapas" on the shiny, black, two inch thick, granite counter. "Ye know", Pat," says Mike, "it's all brilliant, but I miss the auld spittoon." Pat takes his pipe from his mouth, sips his pint, then says, "You always did, me auld friend. You always did." ------------------------------ An Irish lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Jameson with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today." The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me." "Well, thank you kindly, sir" says she. As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too." The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I'll have a Jameson with two drops of water." "Coming up," says the bartender. As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one, too." The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I'll have another Jameson with two drops of water." "Coming right up," the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Jameson with only two drops of water?" The old woman replies, "Ah, lad, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold the hard stuff. Holding your water, however, is another matter entirely." ------------------------------------- A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and taken quickly in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed. "Mr. O'Toole, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?" "No, sorry, I don't have any insurance," the man whispered hoarsely. "Can you pay in cash?" asked the nun. "I'm afraid I cannot, Sister." "Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun persisted. "Just my sister in America" he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun." "Oh, I must correct you, Mr. O'Toole. Nuns are not 'spinsters;' they are married to God." "Wonderful," said O'Toole. "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law." ----------------------------------------- At every tea-break, Sean, the hod-carrier was always boasting to his older work-mate, Mike the brick- layer, that he was the better worker because he was stronger, faster, and younger. Mike stoically put up with the bragging until one day, he couldn't take it any more. "Well, Sean", he said, I'll bet a week's wages I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back." Sean laughed derisively and agreed to the bet. With that, Mike grabbed the handles of the wheelbarrow and told Sean to get in. ---------------------- Thanks to http://www.irishcultureandcustoms.com/ for these! |
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