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How to
Complain
An inspiration to us
all
Now THIS is an example of how to complain!!
A 98 year old woman wrote this to her bank. The bank manager
thought it amusing enough to have it published in The Times.
Dear Sir,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I
endeavoured to pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations, three 'nanoseconds' must have elapsed
between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account
of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the
automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement which,
I admit, has been in place for only
eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief
window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by
way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident
has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone
calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted
by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity
which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a
flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will
therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive
at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially
to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any
other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an
Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee
to complete.
I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as
much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no
alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must
be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of
his/ her financial situation (income, debts, assets and
liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number
which he/she must quote in dealings with me.
I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I
have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me
to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As
they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me,
press buttons as follows:
1-- To make an appointment to see me.
2-- To query a missing payment.
3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to
nature.
6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at
home.
7-- To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my
computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at
a later date to the Authorized Contact.)
8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1
through 8
9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will
then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated
answering service.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting
music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy
an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new
arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous,
New Year.
Your Humble Client
(Remember: This was written by a 98 year old woman; DOESN'T SHE
MAKE YOU PROUD!!?)
Thanks to Michael
Potts for this
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