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An Idiot's
Guide to handling Women
- and a
warning note as to what can happen if you don't follow it!
The Hormone Guide
Women will understand this and the men should
memorize it!
Every woman knows there are days in the month when
all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes
his life in his own hands! This is a handy guide that
should be as common as a driver's license in the
wallet of every husband, boyfriend, co-worker or
significant other!
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DANGEROUS: |
SAFER: |
SAFEST: |
ULTRA SAFE: |
|
What's for dinner? |
Can I help you with dinner? |
Where would you like to go for dinner? |
Here, have some wine. |
|
Are you wearing that? |
Wow, you sure look good in brown! |
WOW! Look at you! |
Here, have some wine |
|
What are you so worked up about? |
Could we be overreacting? |
Here's my paycheck. |
Here, have some wine. |
|
Should you be eating that? |
You know, there are a lot of apples left. |
Can I get you a piece of chocolate with that? |
Here, have some wine. |
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What did you DO all day? |
I hope you didn't over-do it today. |
I've always loved you in that robe! |
Here, have some
wine. |
13 Things PMS Stands For:
1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweat pants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
and my
favorite
one.
13.
Potential Murder Suspect
And remember: Money talks .... but
Chocolate SINGS!!!
WIFE FROM HELL
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, " I
clocked you at 90 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 70. Perhaps
your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now
don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise
control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife
and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar
detector went off when it did because you were going over 100."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar
detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through
clenched teeth,
"Dammit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your
seat belt, sir. That's an automatic £60 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it
off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license
out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your
seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're
driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver
turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always
talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
"Only when he's been drinking."
Thanks to Michelle
Baker and Brain Smith for these gems!
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